Would You Be Happier Without Children....

It is an age old question pondered by many parents. I gave this some thought the other day, as I am embarking on adding three more children to my household.

Happier? No. Richer? Certainly, after I just spent hundreds of dollars for back to school items. More serene? For sure...as I worry about sore throats, bumps and bruises. Less Sleep Deprived? If I could just sleep till noon. More Organized? I won't have to keep 6 children's activities straight. But happier, not on your like.

Women's Lack of Sense

Why? Why oh why do I always seem to hear the excuses coming out of women's mouths about their men? Why are they so willing to accept disrespect from them? Why would they tolerate indiscretions and lies? Is their self worth so demeaned they are able to belittle themselves to expect less from a romantic interest than common sense would dictate?

I am dumbfounded by what lengths women will go through to "stand by their man". What do these pathetic souls need? Possibly a stamp for their forehead "Yes I am a dormat, please walk all over me." "I will accept any excuse you give me if it sounds sincere". Wake up and smell the spermicide! Life is too short to waste your time on anyone who will not completely devote themselves to you.

Re-Building

My new home has become a symbol to me. A way of starting anew. A way to fix something after I have completely destroyed what I had in a marriage. It has been my self help project. But honestly, I think therapy would have been much cheaper. However, the effect I don't think would have been the same. I needed to put this back together. Take something that was left abandoned and neglected and breathe new life into it. Sure there were a few glitches during the process (did I mention the water leak from my kitchen ceiling?) and there are plenty of projects still left to complete (and begin) but I brought beauty back to it. This is someplace I can call my own. It can't be ripped away from me and occupied by another. This is my labor of love and for all the scorpions and gophers there are, it is ALL MINE!

I am in an Empire State of Mind

I always seem to fall victim of homesickness. I don't every try to deny it, but if it was possible I would be living back in New York. (food, the up-frontness of people, culture, changes in seasons to name a few reasons) Maybe it is the heat starting to bake my brains, but I do miss the summers back home. (mind you, I would like them much better with central air conditioning, but that is a whole other issue). Or it could be the double dose of Real Housewives of NY and New Jersey which is effecting my brain. (I admit it I like both Ramona and Bethenny). Those two shows are like watching a train wreck, it's horrible but you can't seem to avert your eyes. So here is sing along with the chorus and Alicia:

The Finish Line

Friday, June 4th will mark the end of my first year teaching first grade. I survived it with a few scratches and bumps, but otherwise it was a success! The class will be looping to second grade with me, and all my parents have requested to stay with me. This is a great vote of confidence for me.

The end of my tenure as a renter is also drawing near. My year of transitioning has also been complete. After being forced from the home I so lovingly built for my family, I embark on an adventure of creating a new one. One would never think this "city girl" would be living on horse property. Remodeling a home was something I associated with living "back east" but here I am scraping paint off my arms.

I thought the changes and constant state of unbalance would cease at my decree. In many ways, it has just compounded as I navigate these murky waters.

Keep Piling It On

I have the official countdown to the end of the school year memorized. Each day is ticking down closer to summer, and you would think some peace would be coming to me. Just the opposite seems to be occuring. The last day of school is like a deadline for a writer. The last projects must be completed. The grades are to be calculated. There is no tommorrow for my first graders. They will be moving on to second grade, and onto another teacher. The checkout list is long and daunting and particular to almost every detail imaginable. The sand is falling into the other part of the hourglass, and I'm about to fall through it as well.

New Place to Call Home

I am officially, again, a homeowner. After a month of hoop jumping and some last minute requirements met, I have purchased a home. When I moved to Arizona some 5 years ago, I swore I would only own a new built home with granite countertops. Wellll....see how quickly this changes. I just bought a bank-owned property built in 1995. Granted this is considered new to my friends in New York, but is quite an oldie here in AZ. But the lure of this home was too great. First the price was too good to pass up. Secondly, the property. I have always wanted to own more than a "plot" of land. Now I have an acre and a quarter. Location was another big draw. Closer to main shopping, still in Chandler schools, but surrounded by other acreage was a boon. There is a quite privacy I couldn't imagine in the tightly controlled HOA communities. And a novelty for AZ, a basement! Since this house is an "old" one, it doesn't have a history of water problems. It needs TLC, paint and such. And no, no granite. But it is on my list of things to do to make it MINE!

I'm BAAACCCKKKK

I realize it has been a long time since I've written. It has been a long journey lately and it seemed pointless. My friends have seemed to move on with their lives as mine unraveled. Changes. Changes. Changes.....too many to list. Still among the surviving. It really is true: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger or wiser!

Keep looking for more...

Ego Boost?

I know I should be flattered, but I must admit I am getting a bit annoyed lately.

Ladies, if you want to boost your ego stop wearing your wedding rings. Since I have stopped wearing mine, I have become a magnet for men. It seems, regardless of their own marital status, a women whose left ring finger is bear is free game. Nevermind you may be minding your own business. Nevermind you may have forgotten to put it on. Or possibly you are in a relationship or not. It doesn't seem to matter.

Watch What You Wish For

....or you just might get it.

I made the unfortunate mistake of reading my past posts. There is a definitive evolution of my thoughts and feelings during the past 15 months or so. I can hardly imagine the transformation I have undergone. I had so much more to say back then. Or maybe just more time to reflect and do so. My life is just as unsettled now as it is then, but in such a different way. I was pining for time to myself. Or wishing to be seen and appreciated for an intelligent and self sufficient person. Now, I do get time alone....and I am truly alone. Just as I sit here at my computer and am typing my bed is empty. I am self sufficient but at what cost? I have pushed my youngest daughter into the hands of caregivers, and into a more challenging life at such an earlier age. I suppose everything you want has its costs, and we all just are willing to pay different prices for it.

Place in Suburbia

There is a heirarchy of women living in the rooftops of every American white picket fence world. You see them hanging out at the park together and at the elementary school. They are the stay-at-home moms with young children. They congregate and plan the carpools for activities. They are active in their children's school PTOs and the entire school staff know them. They are the coach's wives and are actively involved. This is their importance in life. For the past 8 years this was my station in life. Once I got seperated, I was straddling two worlds, that of the involved parent and that of the independent woman. The old friends of mine still would talk to me daily. I was "in the know" of the homestead. We sat on the sidelines together. Carpooled and chatted. Our children would play on the sidelines. They were interested and concerned about my changes in my life. Many prodding me to "save my family". Now that I have been living on my own, these people are fading from my life right before my very eyes. It's as if my marital status has changed how I am related to. I feel like an outsider looking in. Assumptions have been made by others about my participation in activities I would do with my friends, because it is assumed I am "too busy" now. I feel out of place...

Postcard from Cali

Here I am sitting in a cheap hotel room in sunny (but not so warm) San Diego. What an adventure it was getting here. First Rachel wasn't feeling well yesterday, but I was optimistic with her today. Then before going, Jason shows me these strange raised bumps all over his body. My first reaction was: Chicken Pox. A quick detour to Urgent Care, and the "professional" opinion is: we don't believe it to be chicken pox, but not sure what it is (possibly ant bites from playing outside yesterday). I make the on-the-spot decision we are going west. We quickly pack up and head off. I have never driven to California before, and truly hadn't driven out of the Phoenix metro area in the 4 long years I've been in the desert. The Arizona part of I8 is, ummm...well boring. Lots of miles of nothingness (unless you count cacti and farmland as *something*). The kids were excited going through the pass into Yuma. It was pretty cool looking. Jason was excited to cross over the Colorado river, and enter California. No one told me what to expect on the California side of this adventure. First, sand dunes. I don't even know how to describe them, but it was such a different type of desert than I have grown use to. It was somewhat familiar with the wind whipping the sand all over the road. Then the hike in elevation (we got close to 4200 ft.). Winding, climbing narrow road....and oh so windy. It was a bit scary for me. I have to admit it. I was a little freaked out. And probably the oddest part of our road adventure....I went through three border check points, and never left the United States. Not so sure how that works. I was never so happy to see El Cajon in my life! We have had our own "California Adventure" without paying any admission prices.

If Only...

I had an extra couple of grand I would head straigh over to Saks and pick myself up this little beauty.....Gotta love Dior.

Since moving out on my own with the children, the stress level of my children is thick. Rachel tells me how 2 kids have blamed her for pushing a boy at school(I don't doubt she did- I'm so not in parental denial). She's having meltdowns over going first all the time. She hates all foods she once loved. Fighting with her siblings (she is at least consistent with her aggressive behavior and stands up to boys). Amanda melts down at least 5 times a week.....over me not spending enough time helping her with homework, to my taking her siblings to the pool without her (she was at a sleepover). She has made whinning an art form. Jason is backing to stressing out at school. He complains he tired of not being able to do anything because of his sisters. And he can't seem to keep track of his clothes or his trumpet. Maybe it's too much shuttling around from the two houses. Maybe I need to actually limit their time at their dad's...to give them a home base. Maybe we just need a vacation.

Monkey Wrenches

Just when I think I have it all figured out, something pops up and changes it. I have settled into a new little routine, figured out how to be a new me, and then poof...there goes gravity...

Gosh, I guess I was spoiled for a long time with alot of the same old, same old. Now, since coming to Arizona, I feel like the world is spinning out of control. I'm not sure what side is up. I just smile and go along with everything. Now I am just one big huge question mark. My confidence is taking a beating. I am fighting every urge to run away, FAST.

Check Please!

I am so geared up for this upcoming weekend. I resolve to spend a little me time. I have both Friday and Monday off, so I am a bit over the edge in what to do with myself. I need to have some sanity, and I am hoping this will be my saving grace. I just don't want to have to think about lesson plans, soccer practice (yep it's that wonderful time of year again), waking up early, bulletin boards, record keeping. I want hair, nails, makeup and shopping. The kids are in school on Friday, so off to the salon I go. They are spending that night at their dad's....hmm I sense an evening out. And to top off my "me" time, they will remain at John's Saturday during the day. I will keep my resolve and not spend my time on work, and just check out of my reality. Even if it is for less than 48 hours, I will do it!

The Plague

Well, I suppose it could be called that if the infestation was crickets. But this house sure feels like I am in the middle of the Chirping Hell. I don't know where in the world they are coming from, but every night I go a-hunting. I even hava a special shoe for my smackdown. I search out at least 5 a night. Where are they coming from? No one is home all day to let them inside. I find them in my bathtub too. Are they sneaking in the drains? Rachel is scared of them. Jason hunts with me, and Amanda is ambivalent. But I swear I haven't had this many creepy crawlies (or should I say jumpers?) co-habitting with me since I moved here. Maybe the little critters are just as tired of the oppressive heat as we all are, and are just looking to cool off. Whatever it is, I need to call the exterminator again, and rid me of these nasty things.

Wanna Get My Brooklyn On

I've been feeling a little feisty lately. I'm not sure if it is a hormonal thing or what. All I do know is I've been itching for a knock down, drawn out, smack some down, fight. I'm not usually very confrontational, but I have this hype inside me that is just itching for it. Almost along the lines of getting piss drunk at a biker bar and curse out some leather-clad motorcycle mama itch. I could have done some damange this past weekend, but kept it under control. Damn Paxil....

Power(ball) Dreaming

So the big jackpot is over $200 million. That's a lot of pocket change. One can not help but to wonder what you would do with that much money. But what really happens to people who win that much money. Does it ruin their lives? Make them become insensitve to others? Selfish? Or do they become victims of people trying to take advantage of money they never earned? We would all like to think we would continue to live our lives the same way as always, but we all do know that deep down inside it does change us in ways we can't predict. Aww, hell, I'll take my chances and play anyways!

Big F----ing Deal

So here I am, a year old and sure as hell not wiser. I spent the day the same as I would any other day. Did laundry. Went into work to make some copies and set up for my incoming volunteer. Went to Target. So this is what my world has come to. It truly is just another day. Why would I expect anything other? Have I not learned my lesson. Christmas is for the kids. I've always been on my own for Mother's day and shared it with my own mother. This is suppose to be *my* day. To my family and friends something unique to me. But in the end, it is just another day. Maybe it is better that way, no real recognition of it, therefore I can deny it really ever existed.