Watch What You Wish For

....or you just might get it.

I made the unfortunate mistake of reading my past posts. There is a definitive evolution of my thoughts and feelings during the past 15 months or so. I can hardly imagine the transformation I have undergone. I had so much more to say back then. Or maybe just more time to reflect and do so. My life is just as unsettled now as it is then, but in such a different way. I was pining for time to myself. Or wishing to be seen and appreciated for an intelligent and self sufficient person. Now, I do get time alone....and I am truly alone. Just as I sit here at my computer and am typing my bed is empty. I am self sufficient but at what cost? I have pushed my youngest daughter into the hands of caregivers, and into a more challenging life at such an earlier age. I suppose everything you want has its costs, and we all just are willing to pay different prices for it.

Place in Suburbia

There is a heirarchy of women living in the rooftops of every American white picket fence world. You see them hanging out at the park together and at the elementary school. They are the stay-at-home moms with young children. They congregate and plan the carpools for activities. They are active in their children's school PTOs and the entire school staff know them. They are the coach's wives and are actively involved. This is their importance in life. For the past 8 years this was my station in life. Once I got seperated, I was straddling two worlds, that of the involved parent and that of the independent woman. The old friends of mine still would talk to me daily. I was "in the know" of the homestead. We sat on the sidelines together. Carpooled and chatted. Our children would play on the sidelines. They were interested and concerned about my changes in my life. Many prodding me to "save my family". Now that I have been living on my own, these people are fading from my life right before my very eyes. It's as if my marital status has changed how I am related to. I feel like an outsider looking in. Assumptions have been made by others about my participation in activities I would do with my friends, because it is assumed I am "too busy" now. I feel out of place...

Postcard from Cali

Here I am sitting in a cheap hotel room in sunny (but not so warm) San Diego. What an adventure it was getting here. First Rachel wasn't feeling well yesterday, but I was optimistic with her today. Then before going, Jason shows me these strange raised bumps all over his body. My first reaction was: Chicken Pox. A quick detour to Urgent Care, and the "professional" opinion is: we don't believe it to be chicken pox, but not sure what it is (possibly ant bites from playing outside yesterday). I make the on-the-spot decision we are going west. We quickly pack up and head off. I have never driven to California before, and truly hadn't driven out of the Phoenix metro area in the 4 long years I've been in the desert. The Arizona part of I8 is, ummm...well boring. Lots of miles of nothingness (unless you count cacti and farmland as *something*). The kids were excited going through the pass into Yuma. It was pretty cool looking. Jason was excited to cross over the Colorado river, and enter California. No one told me what to expect on the California side of this adventure. First, sand dunes. I don't even know how to describe them, but it was such a different type of desert than I have grown use to. It was somewhat familiar with the wind whipping the sand all over the road. Then the hike in elevation (we got close to 4200 ft.). Winding, climbing narrow road....and oh so windy. It was a bit scary for me. I have to admit it. I was a little freaked out. And probably the oddest part of our road adventure....I went through three border check points, and never left the United States. Not so sure how that works. I was never so happy to see El Cajon in my life! We have had our own "California Adventure" without paying any admission prices.

If Only...

I had an extra couple of grand I would head straigh over to Saks and pick myself up this little beauty.....Gotta love Dior.

Since moving out on my own with the children, the stress level of my children is thick. Rachel tells me how 2 kids have blamed her for pushing a boy at school(I don't doubt she did- I'm so not in parental denial). She's having meltdowns over going first all the time. She hates all foods she once loved. Fighting with her siblings (she is at least consistent with her aggressive behavior and stands up to boys). Amanda melts down at least 5 times a week.....over me not spending enough time helping her with homework, to my taking her siblings to the pool without her (she was at a sleepover). She has made whinning an art form. Jason is backing to stressing out at school. He complains he tired of not being able to do anything because of his sisters. And he can't seem to keep track of his clothes or his trumpet. Maybe it's too much shuttling around from the two houses. Maybe I need to actually limit their time at their dad's...to give them a home base. Maybe we just need a vacation.

Monkey Wrenches

Just when I think I have it all figured out, something pops up and changes it. I have settled into a new little routine, figured out how to be a new me, and then poof...there goes gravity...

Gosh, I guess I was spoiled for a long time with alot of the same old, same old. Now, since coming to Arizona, I feel like the world is spinning out of control. I'm not sure what side is up. I just smile and go along with everything. Now I am just one big huge question mark. My confidence is taking a beating. I am fighting every urge to run away, FAST.

Check Please!

I am so geared up for this upcoming weekend. I resolve to spend a little me time. I have both Friday and Monday off, so I am a bit over the edge in what to do with myself. I need to have some sanity, and I am hoping this will be my saving grace. I just don't want to have to think about lesson plans, soccer practice (yep it's that wonderful time of year again), waking up early, bulletin boards, record keeping. I want hair, nails, makeup and shopping. The kids are in school on Friday, so off to the salon I go. They are spending that night at their dad's....hmm I sense an evening out. And to top off my "me" time, they will remain at John's Saturday during the day. I will keep my resolve and not spend my time on work, and just check out of my reality. Even if it is for less than 48 hours, I will do it!